Since having Gabriel arrive in our world a strange thing has occurred. We kind of don’t sweat the small stuff anymore. Well we do, but to a much lesser degree. Being a highly-strung A-type personality I used to get completely riled by the silliest of things and got myself into a couple of scrapes over the years. From someone throwing pound coins at my head when I used to work in a video shop during university (hey if it’s late, it’s late - you pound coin tosser) to having a hissy fit on a plane to Rome because some fugger reclined back on me as I was eating my lunch (we were hardly long-haul and why should I spend three hours reading my book half an inch from my eyebrow so some fool can stretch a little).
No, when you have faced severe disability head on and won some huge battles with a child that used to catch a cold and end up in intensive care, then little things like that just don’t seem to matter anymore.
Below is a small sample of the stuff that used to annoy me on a regular basis. These are all issues that don’t even hit my radar anymore thankfully.
- The middle bar on the train/cinema/plane seat and who owns it? Nobody is the answer. It is a no man’s land – the distance between you and me fidgety bum person! Don’t cross it. Seriously if your elbow digs in my hip for one minute more then I am biting it off!
- Dilly dalliers on the pavement. Have you got all day? Well good for you but I am trying to get to chuffing work. If I walk any slower behind you I’ll be standing still - moooove out of the way!!!
- People who overtake you – how very dare you? Who do you think you are? See you at the lights motherfugger!!
- People who say “Oh I don’t suffer fools me” and “I don’t mince my words.” Nah you are just a rude cow - admit it, embrace it.
- People who keep all the juicy scandal and gossip to themselves. “Honestly I couldn’t possibly say!” Oh bog off then.
- Friends getting annoyed when you have (accidently) blabbed scandal and gossip.
- People who make their own tea. “I don’t do tea rounds”.
- Having to make tea and coffee for 20 people before you turn your computer on (you get it as it comes – none of this just dip the teabag in for a nanosecond and add two saliva spits of milk from the breast of an antelope).
- People who are always right even when they are wrong.
- Credit card bills – talk about killing the buzz!
- Husband getting to the post before you have time to hide the credit card bill.
- Not being able to find the credit card that husband has then confiscated especially when you have googled and found Holly Willybooby’s dress.
- Finding credit card, buying dress and then said dress making you look more like Heavy Widebumbooby.
- Finally losing your rag and bellowing at little children to put their shoes on. Then feeling crap about it.
- Organised fun – of any description - from fancy dress parties to New Year (only Chrimbo is acceptable).
- People who look for their purse and can’t find it ONLY when they get to the front of a long queue.
- Snotty shop assistants when you return items to the shop who look at the item for four hours and eyeball you and your offspring (listen I didn’t “wardrobe” and return the feffing top – do I look like I go anywhere to wear something like that. I only brought it because I found the credit card. Now quick put the money back on before he notices).
- People with resting bitch faces© who turn out to be jolly nice when you speak to them (after having imaginary arguments in your head with them for eight months).
- People ending lists on number 19.
- People writing lists with 19 things on and expecting you to read them.
- Saying the list is 19 and adding waffle to make it 21 which is even more annoying.
So you see since becoming a special needs mum I am now a picture of Zen and calm. Nothing fazes me.
Well perhaps I am getting a little bit annoyed waiting in this long queue to return this Holly Wobblybelly dress. If that shop assistant with the resting bitch face dares eyeball me then I am going to follow her home, dawdling in front of her, and then sit next to her on the bus and use the middle bar. So there!
Well I will tomorrow but I have to leave this feckin queue now as I need to get back to work as it’s my turn to make 50 shades of tea. Now just bloody MOOOVE out of my way.
Peace on earth and all that jazz.
Resting bitch face © Helen (who won’t mind as she too is Zen-like and calm).
|Gabe says: "Are you going to let that fugger overtake you? What are you - a mum or a mouse?"|