Tuesday, 21 January 2014

All the small things

Things have been going at break neck speed of late. Life is becoming a bit "blink and you'll miss it" in the melee. First there was Gabriel starting school, then Christmas, then that bloody "new year, new start" attitude flung in my face from all directions.

All the new year did was make me panic. It felt like the wicked witch from the East poking me in the eye and goading "Well what do I have in store for you, my lovely."

You see with a child like Gabe, with an undiagnosed something or another, you can't quite rest on your laurels. Yes, he has been well this past six months. Yes, he is making (slow, so slow) progress. Yes, he is smiley, pleasant and giggly. Yes, he seems happy just the way he is. Yes, he is settling into his special school brilliantly. Yes, it is great that I now have three full days to work and not juggle.

But still he is three years old and can't really talk, doesn't walk, isn't growing at all and half the time doesn't have a clue what is going on. No matter how much you try, you can't sugar coat that and add sprinkles.

It is like the creeping Beer Fear from the night before. Always at the back of your brain. Will he or won't he get sick? Will he or won't he plateau and remain locked as he is? Will he or won't he regress? And then what? Where is this life taking us? What does the future hold for him? In our dotage, will we be looking after an adult baby while our friends retire in Grannyville on Sea.

But this time last year I decided that I was not going to dwell on all of this. I wasn't going to let this consume and define my life. All our lives.

Then last night just as I was closing my eyes to sleep I got a warm glow of contentment. Everything felt OKAY.

Life was OKAY.

Whether it was the fact that when I lifted Gabe off the special bus that night he opened his eyes from a doze, smiled and whispered "Mama". Or because I'd just had a wonderful catch up with my family and friends at the weekend. It might have been excitement that I have got two more lovely weekends to come catching up with more friends. Perhaps it was even the "get back on it after a Christmas indulge" run followed by a long soak in the bath.

In that moment as I closed my eyes. There were no worries or fears. No lists of things not done. No regrets for snapped words or unreturned calls.

Everything felt just fine.

I'll take that thank you very much. For even if it is brief. I had it. It was there.

Gabe says: "Glad you feel okay. But what about me? This pink is clashing terribly with my cheeks."


This is why I'm linking up with the All the Small Things link up from the

All the Small Things - MummyNeverSleeps

11 comments:

  1. Complicated gorgeousness is a brilliant way of putting it. I can tell I'm going to be a big fan of your blog. x

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  2. Oh my goodness sweetheart. I'm coming in for a hug, ready? *squish*

    I can relate to SO much of this, the what ifs and the hows and the oh sh*ts. He is completely and utterly gorgeous. I really hope you can hold onto those tiny moments when things get rough. Thank you so much for sharing xx

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    1. Thank you for the hug and what a lovely link up. I like looking for those little things xx

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  3. What a gorgeous, gorgeous boy. I too get the 'what if' and 'how on earth' and 'now what?' aspects too - I hope you can hang onto the 'it's fine' feeling and save it for another day too

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    1. I think those panicky feelings are part of motherhood aren't they. Thanks for the comment and the well wishes xxx

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  4. Such a beautiful rosy-cheeked lad and sounds like such a tough time for you,luckily with small things along the way to help x

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    1. He is lovely and I am NOT going to worry this year ha except for shoes and how much cake is too much. Thanks for commenting xxx

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  5. A fab post as always! So pleased school is going well and friend/family time makes all the difference, doesn't it?

    Here's to the little things, and gorgeous young chaps who do things their own way.

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  6. I'll drink that. Amen. Hope Boo is doing well. And doing it their way is much cooler than following the crowd (sometimes!) (maybe!) xxx

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  7. I know that feeling exactly. Nothing external has changed - there's just a shift inside the head. Something to hang onto indeed!

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