All the new year did was make me panic. It felt like the wicked witch from the East poking me in the eye and goading "Well what do I have in store for you, my lovely."
You see with a child like Gabe, with an undiagnosed something or another, you can't quite rest on your laurels. Yes, he has been well this past six months. Yes, he is making (slow, so slow) progress. Yes, he is smiley, pleasant and giggly. Yes, he seems happy just the way he is. Yes, he is settling into his special school brilliantly. Yes, it is great that I now have three full days to work and not juggle.
But still he is three years old and can't really talk, doesn't walk, isn't growing at all and half the time doesn't have a clue what is going on. No matter how much you try, you can't sugar coat that and add sprinkles.
It is like the creeping Beer Fear from the night before. Always at the back of your brain. Will he or won't he get sick? Will he or won't he plateau and remain locked as he is? Will he or won't he regress? And then what? Where is this life taking us? What does the future hold for him? In our dotage, will we be looking after an adult baby while our friends retire in Grannyville on Sea.
But this time last year I decided that I was not going to dwell on all of this. I wasn't going to let this consume and define my life. All our lives.
Then last night just as I was closing my eyes to sleep I got a warm glow of contentment. Everything felt OKAY.
Life was OKAY.
Whether it was the fact that when I lifted Gabe off the special bus that night he opened his eyes from a doze, smiled and whispered "Mama". Or because I'd just had a wonderful catch up with my family and friends at the weekend. It might have been excitement that I have got two more lovely weekends to come catching up with more friends. Perhaps it was even the "get back on it after a Christmas indulge" run followed by a long soak in the bath.
In that moment as I closed my eyes. There were no worries or fears. No lists of things not done. No regrets for snapped words or unreturned calls.
Everything felt just fine.
I'll take that thank you very much. For even if it is brief. I had it. It was there.
|Gabe says: "Glad you feel okay. But what about me? This pink is clashing terribly with my cheeks."|
This is why I'm linking up with the All the Small Things link up from the
lovely Mummy Never Sleeps